Mommy Guilt :: Lessons Learned

 

This week my mommy guilt kicked into high gear.  What should have been a week of bliss quickly turned into late night problem solving, lots and lots of tears, and cold compresses.  It wasn't all bad, but it wasn't all good either  This quote by J.D. Salinger really speaks to me and I think there is definitely more than a kernel of truth to it - at least for this mother.

Bodega Harbour Pool
Art Word for the Day :: FORWARD

The third week in July signals our annual pilgrimage to Bodega Bay [a mere seven miles west of us]. Our dear friends loan us their weekend beach home and we settle in like we're on a real vacation.  Here's a few blog posts from years gone by 2013, 2012, 2011, 2010.

Sunset cocktails with the Rangels
Art word for the day :: GROW

We have friends over for sunset cocktails, easy dinners & catch up on our reading and t.v. watching.  We settle into a routine of early mornings, loading sports gear in and out of the car and we usually try really hard to disconnect from our normal lives.  These easy-breezy routines proved to be a challenge this time around.

Art Word for the Day :: HOME
Our home as viewed through the blooming Queen Anne's Lace

In the months leading up to this week, Grady told us he wasn't really into golf and the fact that he didn't want to continue taking lessons.  He shared that tennis lessons & swimming with his friends were his favorite parts of the week.  His father assured him that one day he would appreciate knowing the basics of golf and that he needed to take the lessons he signed up for.  We decided this would be the last year of making him take golf lessons, but he had to follow through with this year's commitment.  Looking back, I wish we had heeded this no golf premonition.

Sunset + hammock on the back deck
Art word for the day :: LIQUID

Grady got a major haircut during the week prior to camp and, therefore, had baby fresh skin on his neck, ears and around his hairline.  In a lame display of my mothering prowess, I neglected to put sunscreen on my son's ears and oh did they get burnt!  Like really, really fried.  Motherhood fail…big time.  He soldiered on for Day 1 of Camp and did the golf-tennis-pool circuit, but those little ears were fire engine red, swollen and hot to the touch.

Art word for the day :: KALEIDOSCOPE
Colored pencil sharpening as meditation

Our days usually start early with golf, a quick transfer to tennis, and we grab a quick lunch by the pool and he swims for hours - making new friends or reconnecting with last summer's friends.  All the while, I sit on a lounge chair and try to read.  Really, I'm watching all the connections, the laughter and looking for the signs that my kiddo has had enough.  When he finally tires of swimming, I wrap him up in a beach towel and we head home for afternoon naps.

The naked ladies are up early this year & their color is influencing my art making
Womb paintings in progress

I could tell by the look in his eyes that this boy was not okay on Day 2.  His eyeballs were bloodshot, his ears were puffed out to the max and he was warm to the touch.  We abbreviated our time spent at the pool and headed back to the beach house for a cool shower and cold compresses for his ears, which were now starting to blister.  Oh, how could I have been so stupid and forgotten the ears?

Old man sun hat became mandatory during the latter part of the week
We had unprecedented sunshine the entire week we were in Bodega Bay (usually it's grey & foggy)

It's hard to see your child lethargic and out of it, especially when you have so much fun planned for them.  In the middle of the night he woke up crying, in pain and not sure what was going on.  I washed his face with a cool washcloth and brought him to bed with us.  I stroked his brow and lulled him to sleep.  His ears were sensitive, raw and I'm pretty sure he had all of the symptoms of a mild sun stroke.   Oh, my mother's guilt was starting to set in.  It's a powerful, powerful thing.

Art word of the day :: IMAGINE
Our kitchen table during morning art sessions

He continued his lessons, but I lathered him up with sunscreen and zinc oxide.  I made him drink lots of water and eliminated the pool time from his routine.  He pushed through for the remainder of the week, but he just wasn't himself.  A sinus infection was developing, too, and we just needed to get home.  I silently promised myself that I would travel with 100 SPF sunscreen in my purse for the next 13 years.

Art word for the day :: JABBERWOCKY
Reunited with the Rangel girls upon their arrival home from a month long trip to Spain

Once we got back to our home at the end of the week, things started to improve and the brightness returned to his eyes and cheeks.  I decided to really focus on resting and getting him well, as our big trip to Alaska was on the horizon and less than a week away.

Purple potatoes from Bloomfield Organics from our CSA box
New book :: Alabama Moon by Watt Key (he can't put it down)

We lost ourselves in books and art, but not before he had another meltdown about our new daily art project that we had been working on.  He shared that he wanted to be free with his art and not have an assignment.  I had to let go, if I learned nothing over the last 10 days - I had to learn to listen to this kid and what he's feeling.  I had to pay attention to the signs and honor his words.  And, so I did.  There were tears and good talks and all that stuff that goes into making a good decision.  I would miss our mornings drawing together, but he needed a say and I needed to let him know he was heard. I have a feeling he'll be back sooner rather than later at the kitchen table.  

I'll wait.  

It'll give me a chance to absorb a big 'ole lesson in patience and give him some space.

My tendency to go full steam ahead needed to be tempered and he reminded me of that.  And while mommy's guilt is generally counter-productive, in theory, I think it was a nice big red flag for me to STOP, listen, slow down and tune in to what my kid was saying.

And, as far as art goes, I don't want to be bossy art mom.  That sounds horrible, right?  No fun at all.  I just want to be there for him and make space for him to show up, pick up a pencil and start again when he's ready.

By the end of this week I forgave myself for not putting sunscreen on my sweet kid and protecting him from the sun.  I also forgave myself for unwittingly pushing him creatively.  These two separate experiences actually served as a wonderful metaphor and a great reminder that I can't protect him from everything and I can't force him to use his talents.

I can only lead by example, show him what to do and do the best I can.

If that's slightly insane…then so be it.